Why did you erase us

You know what baffles me? How someone can be your best friend for 3 years and then they just erase you from their life. 3 whole years! 3 years of driving, 3 years of paying, 3 years of laughing, 3 years of working, 3 years of exploring, 3 years of loving, 3 years of being the always to your forever... and now? Nothing. There was no evilness to the end of us. There were no words of hate. And yet, if we were ever to cross paths again I would think you would throw stones at me and burn me to the ground.

It kills me that I can talk to people about you with a smile on my face and talk about all the times we had and then think that you have pushed everything to do with me and us to the corners of your brain. Is it because it hurts still or because someone has made you so uncomfortable with your past that this is the only option. I could only think the latter since you are so happy now.

My family still loves you. We still talk about all the moments we shared, your wonderful family, and the things you taught us.



But why? Why is there a black hole in history where we used to be.

Im glad to be home

Because you are my home. 

Just a 'blah' kind of day

It is now the third week of school. For some reason I just cannot seem to conjure up the effort to get my butt to class. I do all the reading. I turn in all my assignments. I even get dressed and ready to go. But for some reason I just cannot seem to get my feet walking on the orange and yellow leaf covered pavement.

I do not know what it is. Today even happens to be sunny and a lot warmer then the past two weeks. Maybe it is just the lack of drive to sit through classes where they lecture on the reading they assigned so you already know what they are talking about. Maybe it is that I do not have someone to walk with, or talk with, while I make my way through campus. Or maybe it is the lack of sugar and caffein in my diet.

Since I have been at school, the only sugar intake I have had are a small box of Oreos and a cup of chocolate mousse.  NO coffee! No coffee is crazy coming from me. I had a coffee every day after work this summer just to get me through the rest of the day.

 

I thought since I am here and I choose my foods that I would try and eat healthy. For the past 4 weeks I have been living off of salads, fruits, and soups pretty much, with the occasional French bread pizza or pasta salad. I work out every few days to one of my awesome work out videos. That Beach Body lady sure can motivate. I just do not know what is with me.

I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my boyfriend. I miss making cookies and cakes. I miss my car. I miss the life I had for the past two years. But you know what, I just need to get a rhythm and some how make sure it keeps me motivated. Now I just need to figure out what that motivation is.

Here is my quote for today: 

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.  

~Woody Allen

Trip back to school...

boarding the plane

The days leading up to my trip back to OSU were filled with lots of laughter, tears, and happiness. There was also a lot of fear. I hate flying, and I had to fly to get up to school. I packed almost all my things into 2 suitcases and 2 boxes, yes, it was a miracle. I said goodbye, with lots of tears and hugs, its always the hardest thing. Then I sat in an airport for about an hour dreading being 40,000 feet in the air. We bored the plane and sat there ready for take off. I was shaking and scared. I hate flying. 

We took off, and I held on for dear life. I watched 5 episodes of house hunters, which seemed to take like 3 days. Finally we started or decent and guess what, its was raining in Portland. A good welcome back. 

After a few random speed bumps we got everything set up and it was great. Now I get a fresh start and am going to work really hard to finish strong. 

descending to land

all my stuff

moments

always and forever

being a summer aide

This summer I decided to change jobs before I left for school again. With that decision, I had to say goodbye to all the lovely people at the movie theater and start on a new adventure somewhere familiar. I got a job at a place very close to my heart, the Ocean Institute in Dana Point. I have been involved there for the past 6 years, volunteering and as staff. I have always enjoyed my times spent at OI so I wanted to work there again for the summer. I got hired as a summer aide for OI summer camps. Let me tell you this, it was not what I was expecting.


It is not a usual summer camp with games and time fillers. This camp is a place to learn while still enjoying yourself. The instructors and leaders care so much about educating these kids, it's amazing to see. It has been 11 weeks of constant Monday through Friday, labs, boat rides, field trips, different characters of kids, and the constant uncertainty of the tides. But I have loved every minute of it.


I have never worked with kids quite like this, so it has been both a challenge and a blessing. I have been able to see the difference in kids, from age, family, and their personalities. I feel like I have grown a lot having to talk with them, teach them, and deal with the conflicts that arise. I am proud of myself, because in all honesty, I never thought I would have to do something like this.

I have always learned so much from the people around me. All of the instructors have gone to school and this is what they want to do. It was such an eye opening experience for me to be able to see these people, a lot still very young, doing something they love. Yes, there were times when they needed to escape the constant questions or the misbehaving kids, but that comes with the territory. To me, seeing them teach these kids things that they didn't know and see the light bulb turn on in the kids eyes, it made me smile and happy to know that maybe one day I could do the same.



Now I am entering my last week as a summer aide, and I have to say, these weeks have flown by too fast. I can't believe its over, I don't want it to be. But it has given me hope and something to work towards. I have grown a lot in my own knowledge, learning what I am capable of, and my confidence. I hope that I am able to work with these summer camps next year, I am already looking forward to it.

My Regal Days

I worked at Regal for a year and a half. I saw huge openings for Iron Man 2, Eclipse, Despicable Me, Inception, Black Swan, Toy Story 3, and Part 1 of the final Harry Potter. ( I loved being Hermione!! ) I also worked some lovely midnights that sold 15 tickets, Get him to the Greek. I saw thousands and thousands of customers on a good day, and hundreds, maybe, on a slow day. Being the Lobby person on Christmas will be something I will never forget. I never really lost my love for popcorn like so many people say they do when they work at a theater. But I did get tons of paper cuts before they changed the boxes. And I learned to count money 10 different ways, and still tend to get the wrong amount after 3 tries, but always be even.


I don't really miss the work, and I don't really miss the customers. I do however very much miss the people! You go to work, 3-5 days a week, and  you see the same people, and they become a part of you whether you like it or not. I had some of the best employees, I should say friends, at the theater! The jokes, the funny faces, the stories... There is nothing better! I would've had to quit eventually due to the fact that I am moving, but I wish I could have worked through the summer. But I do like the fact that I can still go and visit, and can now be 'facebook friends' with the managers :P 


Regal gave me something that I hadn't had in a while. It gave me Hope. Yes, weird, I know. But I enjoyed working with my employees and it makes me smile that even though there were crazy days at the theater when you didn't get a break until your 5 hour and people were frustrated with the poppers not popping fast enough and running out of large tubs when suddenly everyone wanted to upsize, that you had conversations that make your day great, and could even change your life. 


I just wanted to get the point across that I love my Regal employees and friends, and I miss you all! 

in an instant

eyes flitter open

to the world unknown to many. 

things go spinning, 

lights strobe in the distance. 

in an instant its all new

this unimaginable world.

shaking commences

numbness over takes

but a smile crosses the face. 

there is nothing more,

nothing else. 

piercing starbursts into the soul.

heart beats louder, faster, stronger.

you know you are home. 

wanting the dream of a promise as soon as possible

I have never been so sure  of something in my life. You know that feeling when you are positive about something, and you want that something to happen as soon as possible. Well, that's where I stand in my life at the moment. I know it hasn't been that long, and many people think its crazy... But when you know, you know. I know age, school, jobs, money, location, time, family, and reality are huge road blocks or concerns at the moment, but I just wish it was simple. Plans are discussed, and as much as we want our dreams to become reality, we know it'll take some time... too much time in my head. But that's who I am, I am a dreamer. I truly wish things were simple. I am really scared about this next year, and what will actually happen compared to ones goals and plans. It would be so wonderful if everything would just work out, but I am not going to get my hopes up. I am so excited for the future, for it, one day, will be the happiest moments of my life. I will be looking at someone I love with my whole heart, promising my heart and forever to him. And after that, we will have our whole lives; the good days, the bad days, the cold and warm, the planned and the unexpected. With everything I am, I wish it were happening this summer, or even the next... But I will wait, even though with every minute that goes by I grow more scared, for I love him more than anything.

the future...

smile for today :)

So it is March 30, 2011. My life is complicated and simple. I have school, work, family, friends, boyfriend, and live in an amazing and beautiful place. School is finishing up in a little over a month. I am so excited to finish up at Saddleback. I am looking forward to going to Oregon State, a lot. But I truly wish I did not  have to leave to attend. I can't imagine myself leaving Orange County again. Last time I was so homesick that I moved home. I know that I have to finish school, get an education, a degree, and then go off to my career... but I really don't want to leave. I know that Oregon has everything a college could offer, seeing as I was there for a year. Beautiful environment, nice dorms, good class sizes, my favorite weather, and friends, but it is in another state, like a thousand miles away. As each day passes, I grow in anticipation. I feel I am more ready now to take on my classes, fully commit, and finish school so I can move on with my life. I guess OSU is where I belong. I definitely feel at home there. But my heart lies somewhere else, with someone else. Leaving is going to be so hard. Leaving my family, William, my friends... I don't want to face it in 6 months time. But as a human being, I must accept the changes and grow. My future in my head is planned with dotted lines that I want to make bold and thick. But I can't, yet. I need to get an education, a degree, a life. I can not wait for the day that I can walk down the aisle and start that part of my life, it is all I really want. I want a family and a home and a future where I smile every morning because I am so happy. In my head it all starts in the summer of 2012, but I know it will take more time. I am afraid that with time, things are less likely to happen. Time makes me scared. But I will wait, because it is worth waiting for. As for now, I am looking forward to school, but more looking forward to the visits home. I don't know where I am going to live after I graduate or when I will visit if I live in a different county, state, or country... But I know here is where my home is. Time will pass, just like every minute goes by, so I am looking forward to tomorrow, and the next day, putting a smile on my face and looking forward for what is to come.

blahh

You know what's annoying, when things don't happen the way they are supposed to. You say something, you do it. You have a specific date and time, you meet it. You follow up with what you say and that what makes you accountable.

Sometimes You Get Lucky

You never know what cards you are going to be dealt, what kind of situation you will be in, or who the people around you may truly be. I am lucky enough to say that I am blessed with my co-workers. It has almost been a year of working for Regal and I must say I have seen my fair share of good and bad people walk in and out of its doors. Many I miss, some I don't. But Friday night after work I finally got around to going to the weekly Denny's get-together. I was surprised at all the people that ended up going because its hanging out with your co-workers. Who voluntarily does that? Well apparently some great people! I think there ended up being like 20 people, more like half of our floor staff as one of the managers put it. It was so great to see people outside of popcorn tubs and brooms and butlers, even if some where still wearing their polos. We had endless pancakes, hot chocolate and some good laughs. I must say that I am glad that I know all of these people. They make working a tire-some job with grumpy customers and too many coupons worth it. So this is a shout out to all my Regal employees; Thanks for being you! 

taking a day off

Friday, March 4, 2011: 

We went to Dana Point Harbor for a nice morning of starbucks and breakfast. We ended up sitting watching the boats in their docks and all the dogs that would trot on by. The noises you notice when you are relaxed; the sound of the boats rubbing against the docks, and the way you could hear the waves even though we could not see them break. The smell of sea salt that blew past every few minutes was so refreshing. Sometimes it is nice to just take some time to look around and soak everything in. You don't know how long you will be around, so I think it is important to make sure you take time out of your busy life to just relax, do nothing, and breathe in life. 

fears

Fears; they do nothing but tear us down. 

I think its time to throw them to the wind and 
face the coming sun with a smile on your face 
knowing that nothing can hurt you!

those days

Those days when all hope seems lost,
When you want to run until you see something new.
You don't know where you are,
Or even where you want to end up.
But in the end you are relaxed because you have escaped. 


You get scared when you think about the future
And tears well in your eyes when you think about the past. 
Something inside is different
And aching for something more. 


You think you know your own life, 
You think you know what's coming. 
Then all of a sudden you are lost. 
Lost from the world like a shooting star in the night sky. 


A second goes by 
And so do you!
Everything flashes by and then you can't find it again. 
All the glittering lights, 
All the sparkles reflect your life. 


The good, the bad. 
The beautiful, the ugly. 
Some days just feel so long
And you yearn for them to be over. 


You want to start again
Or wish with everything you are that you can change, 
Change the future before it happens. 
But why change the future, 
For you don't know what is to come. 


I close my eyes for a while
As the song fills my head. 
Im afraid of what is to come. 
Im afraid of what I am going to lose,
Even if I know that I won't lose it. 


It's all happening again.
The empty feelings, the anxiety of a new world,
Even if it is familiar. 
I was ready for a world to explore. 
I was excited to go and paint it the colors I wanted. 


I was comfortable going on my own
because I knew I had something to bring me back.
But now my life is changed. 
And leaving is all just a freighting mystery. 
The thoughts are lost in the spinning questions. 


I am sorry for the pain that is in response to my devise. 
I have to keep going or I will be stuck in a sink hole.
One that doesn't go anywhere. 
One with no future. 
But that sentence does not make sense. 


My future lies in your hands, 
And in our hearts. 
So why am I so scared of the world beyond the dotted lines?
I think the feeling of being lost is in response
To the knowing you will be light years away. 


Too far for me to say.
Too far for me to travel.
And yet I am choosing my path.
I wish our paths were as intertwined in this reality
As much as we wish they were. 


The days will keep coming, 
The ones where nothing goes right. 
Im sure they will come when I am gone. 
Until then though, the fears and emotions will mount. 


Lets run away and not face the future
Until it comes and haunts the days 
And leaves the nights with coldness. 
I know hope is not lost, 
For I will look ahead with honest and faithful eyes. 

It's raining, It's pouring...

I was driving home through streets of over flowing water the other night. It was crazy! It was hectic and nice at the same time. Freezing and relaxing. Loud yet silent. It was very different. I had my windshield wipers on full blast and still could not see a thing. I was only driving 3 or 4 miles but I was thinking about how scary the roads must have been to people who were driving far or did not know the area. Then my thoughts lead to the water. There was so much of it I had a constant wave flowing from my tires. It was like the Red Sea was parting when I pulled into my neighborhood. I made a turn and both sides of my car was a wall of water. I felt lucky to have made it home. 

I really enjoy the rain when it comes, seldom as is it. I love listening to it and watching it. It is so relaxing and there is just a nice feeling that comes with it. I wish it would rain more, but for now I am just going to enjoy it when it comes. 

Movie Night

Tonight I saw Just Go With It with William. 

I was actually really surprised how great it was! There was a lot of humor; those kids were the cutest things!!! And then there was Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler, and Nicole Kidman!! I wasn't sure if they would click, but oh my, they do! And new comer, Brooklyn Decker... aka Andy Roddick's gorgeous wife! (Btw, I was supposed to marry him haha). I know some people don't agree but I liked her performance. I thought she did really well for not acting before, other then in ugly betty. Overall the movie had humor, a great story line, and amazing chemistry. I was very happy with the movie and will definitely be buying it!

Other then that I did some homework, pilates, and enjoyed the cool breeze before the storm hits this weekend.  

Morning Get-A-Way

This morning I had some free time so I went to the beach, and brought someone special. We sat, had a little breakfast, and talked. It was very refreshing. 

While we were there, 4 school buses drove up and tons of kids got out with layout squares and measuring sticks. They were going towards the tide pools. It was neat to see all the kids and I hoped that they learned something new. I love going through the tide pools and looking at all the creatures and life. There were also a bunch of couples, mostly with dogs that came and went for quick looks out at the vast sea.

It was so relaxing just sitting there; listening to the waves and watching the sky and water for animals. We did not see anything other then different types of birds but it was still very nice. I hope we go back again. Sitting at the ocean is one of my favorite places to be. It has and always be my escape. I feel all my problems melt away while I sit there. I don't know what it is or why it happens, but there is some connection. I need to be near the ocean or I feel incomplete.

Today was a good day. One that I can look back on and smile because I was able to escape from reality for a few moments. 

Drawing Disney

So William and I went to Disneyland and Ca Adventure for his 20th birthday and we made a pit-stop at the drawing academy.  We drew Dale from Chip and Dale and Pluto. 

After drawing those two I was so excited that I had to buy a book about how to draw all the disney characters so I bought a book and have been taking it slow. I've drawn 2 Mickeys and a Minnie. 

I love it!! 

My Fairy Tale

So there is this boy, and he makes my world go round. He literally picks me up when I feel down, and he is constantly making me smile. It has been almost 6 months and I still can not believe I have been so lucky. I can not believe that I met him, let alone fell in love. 

The little things he does constantly surprise me. The way the color in his eyes form starbursts. How his hand fits perfectly in mine when I rest my thumb behind his. Our whole foot height difference. The way his true laugh comes out. How the child in him constantly reveals itself, whether its about video games, pokemon, or his past. The numerous freckles that frame his features. The honesty in his eyes about the future. 

There's not a moment that goes by that I don't wish I was with him. I wish there was an explanation to all the craziness that fills my head, but I know that I don't need an explanation for the reasons why i love him so much. I am excited for every coming day. I don't know what lies ahead, but I know what I want. I am going to do everything I can to make sure that it happens. He has become my fairy tale, a story that I love to read over and over.