the future...

smile for today :)

So it is March 30, 2011. My life is complicated and simple. I have school, work, family, friends, boyfriend, and live in an amazing and beautiful place. School is finishing up in a little over a month. I am so excited to finish up at Saddleback. I am looking forward to going to Oregon State, a lot. But I truly wish I did not  have to leave to attend. I can't imagine myself leaving Orange County again. Last time I was so homesick that I moved home. I know that I have to finish school, get an education, a degree, and then go off to my career... but I really don't want to leave. I know that Oregon has everything a college could offer, seeing as I was there for a year. Beautiful environment, nice dorms, good class sizes, my favorite weather, and friends, but it is in another state, like a thousand miles away. As each day passes, I grow in anticipation. I feel I am more ready now to take on my classes, fully commit, and finish school so I can move on with my life. I guess OSU is where I belong. I definitely feel at home there. But my heart lies somewhere else, with someone else. Leaving is going to be so hard. Leaving my family, William, my friends... I don't want to face it in 6 months time. But as a human being, I must accept the changes and grow. My future in my head is planned with dotted lines that I want to make bold and thick. But I can't, yet. I need to get an education, a degree, a life. I can not wait for the day that I can walk down the aisle and start that part of my life, it is all I really want. I want a family and a home and a future where I smile every morning because I am so happy. In my head it all starts in the summer of 2012, but I know it will take more time. I am afraid that with time, things are less likely to happen. Time makes me scared. But I will wait, because it is worth waiting for. As for now, I am looking forward to school, but more looking forward to the visits home. I don't know where I am going to live after I graduate or when I will visit if I live in a different county, state, or country... But I know here is where my home is. Time will pass, just like every minute goes by, so I am looking forward to tomorrow, and the next day, putting a smile on my face and looking forward for what is to come.

blahh

You know what's annoying, when things don't happen the way they are supposed to. You say something, you do it. You have a specific date and time, you meet it. You follow up with what you say and that what makes you accountable.

Sometimes You Get Lucky

You never know what cards you are going to be dealt, what kind of situation you will be in, or who the people around you may truly be. I am lucky enough to say that I am blessed with my co-workers. It has almost been a year of working for Regal and I must say I have seen my fair share of good and bad people walk in and out of its doors. Many I miss, some I don't. But Friday night after work I finally got around to going to the weekly Denny's get-together. I was surprised at all the people that ended up going because its hanging out with your co-workers. Who voluntarily does that? Well apparently some great people! I think there ended up being like 20 people, more like half of our floor staff as one of the managers put it. It was so great to see people outside of popcorn tubs and brooms and butlers, even if some where still wearing their polos. We had endless pancakes, hot chocolate and some good laughs. I must say that I am glad that I know all of these people. They make working a tire-some job with grumpy customers and too many coupons worth it. So this is a shout out to all my Regal employees; Thanks for being you! 

taking a day off

Friday, March 4, 2011: 

We went to Dana Point Harbor for a nice morning of starbucks and breakfast. We ended up sitting watching the boats in their docks and all the dogs that would trot on by. The noises you notice when you are relaxed; the sound of the boats rubbing against the docks, and the way you could hear the waves even though we could not see them break. The smell of sea salt that blew past every few minutes was so refreshing. Sometimes it is nice to just take some time to look around and soak everything in. You don't know how long you will be around, so I think it is important to make sure you take time out of your busy life to just relax, do nothing, and breathe in life. 

fears

Fears; they do nothing but tear us down. 

I think its time to throw them to the wind and 
face the coming sun with a smile on your face 
knowing that nothing can hurt you!

those days

Those days when all hope seems lost,
When you want to run until you see something new.
You don't know where you are,
Or even where you want to end up.
But in the end you are relaxed because you have escaped. 


You get scared when you think about the future
And tears well in your eyes when you think about the past. 
Something inside is different
And aching for something more. 


You think you know your own life, 
You think you know what's coming. 
Then all of a sudden you are lost. 
Lost from the world like a shooting star in the night sky. 


A second goes by 
And so do you!
Everything flashes by and then you can't find it again. 
All the glittering lights, 
All the sparkles reflect your life. 


The good, the bad. 
The beautiful, the ugly. 
Some days just feel so long
And you yearn for them to be over. 


You want to start again
Or wish with everything you are that you can change, 
Change the future before it happens. 
But why change the future, 
For you don't know what is to come. 


I close my eyes for a while
As the song fills my head. 
Im afraid of what is to come. 
Im afraid of what I am going to lose,
Even if I know that I won't lose it. 


It's all happening again.
The empty feelings, the anxiety of a new world,
Even if it is familiar. 
I was ready for a world to explore. 
I was excited to go and paint it the colors I wanted. 


I was comfortable going on my own
because I knew I had something to bring me back.
But now my life is changed. 
And leaving is all just a freighting mystery. 
The thoughts are lost in the spinning questions. 


I am sorry for the pain that is in response to my devise. 
I have to keep going or I will be stuck in a sink hole.
One that doesn't go anywhere. 
One with no future. 
But that sentence does not make sense. 


My future lies in your hands, 
And in our hearts. 
So why am I so scared of the world beyond the dotted lines?
I think the feeling of being lost is in response
To the knowing you will be light years away. 


Too far for me to say.
Too far for me to travel.
And yet I am choosing my path.
I wish our paths were as intertwined in this reality
As much as we wish they were. 


The days will keep coming, 
The ones where nothing goes right. 
Im sure they will come when I am gone. 
Until then though, the fears and emotions will mount. 


Lets run away and not face the future
Until it comes and haunts the days 
And leaves the nights with coldness. 
I know hope is not lost, 
For I will look ahead with honest and faithful eyes.